Tunnel Vision

I realize I suffer from this ailment. I can be doing great, sailing along, feeling content and capable and happy, and then I have ONE DAY where I'm depressed or upset and all memory of the happy time flees my mind. And I think I've been depressed for days.
Alot of times, all i can see of myself and my life is right in that moment. Just like I'm in a tunnel. God used a funny strange way to break me out of my last tunnel. I had two very strange dreams. I was really worried about provision. We've had to get fronted money every month from Nate's boss just to pay the next months rent, and now with this diabetes thing, I have to eat really well, which is more expensive. And our car is breaking. Anyway, I had a simple dream about a random lady giving us her car.
I woke up feeling so refreshed. It put a hope back in me that had been slipping away-that God can provide anywhere, anytime, through anyone. That I just have to chill out and trust. He doesn't want me worrying. He wants me happy. It's so easy to look ahead, to when the things we have run out. But right now, in this moment, we have everything we need. It's no use looking to the day when our car finally breaks. Right now, we have a car.
I had another deam a few day later, a very strange one. In my dream, I accidently discovered a bunch of classified secrets. The cia found out and took me and my family away to the mountains, to lock us up. They payed for everything-we didn't have to take care of ourselves at all. This dream carried so much peace with it. I woke up feeling even better. The subject of the dreams didn't matter-God injected them with so much peace and hope and confidence, that I feel that I am out of the wrong tunnel, and in the right one. It's good to have the kind of tunnel vision that takes no thought of food, drink, shelter, but rests securely and completely in the arms of God. The kind of tunnel vision that is obedient to the words of Jesus.

Why am I crazy?

I think my craziness is 60% hormones, 20% sin, 10 percent lack of sleep and coffee, 7 percent manufactured stress, and 3 percent real stress. I don't want to blame it ALL on hormones, even though it's tempting. Seriously though, i feel nuts. I swing back and forth between mood extremes all day long. I get soooooo depressed, then incredibly elated. It probably doesn't help that I haven't been getting to sleep til between 3 and 5 in the morning, because my kids are sick. And I'm so sick of the rain and cold. I should have factored lack of sun into that equation.
I've been reading Laura Ingalls book "The Long Winter" Now, there's a real hard time. They had to twist hay into sticks every day all day long just to keep from freezing-they weren't even warm. And they took turns grinding wheat by hand in a coffee mill, just to have enough bread for each meal. And thats all they had. I'm upset because I have to eat every 2 hours-and I have the food to eat.
Discontent is poisonous. And it's like yeast. It spreads and grows and feeds off anything sweet. I pray for contentment.

I was having an incredibly hard day. Then nathan called and told me to look up this web address- http://cuppycake.ytmnd.com/. I just wanted to share it, cuz it totally made my day. Check it out

Answered Prayer Hidden Blessing

i'm really excited about this diabetes thing. This hasn't been the healthiest pregnancy for me. Many times, I've gone for the box of kraft mac and cheese instead of cooking a chicken breast or eating some vegetables. I didn't make enough time to take care of myself. But I have no choice now. If I can't get my blood sugar numbers normal in the next two weeks, bye bye home birth, and hello to more health risks- for me and the baby. It's forcing me to make choices I already wanted to make-but have been to lazy to do. For example-no sweets, AT ALL. Not even ketchup. I have lacked the willpower this pregnancy to be strict about what I eat, and to really pay attention to my protein, veggie, fruit, carb intake. But now I have to stick to very strict guidelines about even the timing of when I eat. I haven't had any sugar today, and I already feel so much better. So many problems I was having that I just attributed to being pregnant for the third time is actually linked to gestational diabetes. I was so much less tired today.
This is definately a blessing.

I just had to take my three hour glucose tolerance test today.
I am not glucose tolerant. I am a gestational diabetic.
I kind of figured. I thought that the management of it was simple-but I was wrong.
Here I go into diabetic land. I'm really praying I'll still be able to deliver at home.

Nathan

It's amazing what a comfort and relief marriage is. Yesterday, I was having a wretched day. But as soon as I heard Nathan's voice as he was walking up to the side of the van (i pick him up from the bus stop every day) so much tension just flowed away. I have something so valuable and incredible, most of the world spends most of their life hunting for it- and not very many succeed, if the divorce rates are to be believed.
I am spending my life with my absolute number 1 best friend of all time. But isn't it strange that it's only possible to have the kind of marriage we do have becuase we don't put each other first? We never have. Jesus is first in out hearts and it's because of that committment that we can have a healthy beautiful marriage.

Just being around Nathan makes everything better and seem easier. Hard things become laughable. I've never met anyone who can make me laugh the way he does. And he knows me in a way no human has ever known me-he's seen me at my absolute worse-physically and emotionally. And he still loves me. That's a supernatural gift from God, let me tell you, cuz my worse is BAD.
We're celebrating our 5th anniversary the end of April. I'm just honored and blown away again, that a man like Nathan loves me, and that after 5 years, after KNOWING me for 5 years, he would marry me all over again.

Bella's drawing of me

My crazy girls

Attack

Life seems very heavy lately. For both me and Nate. We're back in the "drag". You know, one it seems like your whole life revolves with maintaining. Just to sustain our life here, he has to work 6 days a week at a job he enjoys, thank God, but in the long run is meaningless. How do the majority of poeple in the world live like this for 20, 30, 40 years? A very wise friend (if you're reading this, Rae, I'm talking about you!!) told me that if you look at every thing in your life in terms of seasons (asd in, this isn't going to last forever) anything is bearable. Maybe, even enjoyable. I know part of the reason I'm feeling so worn thin is that I'm pregnant. It just makes the mood swings i already deal with more intense. Poor Nate, his whole life is supporting us. At least I get to be around the kids, and go out and try to minister.

This little baby is killing me. She already feels like she weighs ten pounds. And I have two months left!!!!!!!!! I think about the women i know with 5 or more kids and I shake my head and marvel. I will die if I get pregnant again. I'll die. There's nothing left to give, physically. I'm so grateful for my kids, though-and the ease i had (at least) in GETTING pregnant. I'm skeptical about the baby being a girl. Hopeful, but skeptical. This baby is such an explorer. I really want to be done with having kids. I want to pour myself into the ones I have. I'm so ready to have this baby. I already ordered and received the birth supplies i needed to get.

Baby Abigail?????

I had an ultrasound today-I've been having some weirdness going on and I wanted to make sure everything was ok. The machine was old, the screen was small, and my littlest baby did her best to hide. We think we caught her, but she might actually turn out to be a he. So I'm back where I wanted to be-clueless. At least about whether the prize fighter in my belly is Abigail or Yehoshua. The doctor was pretty sure she was a girl- but one couple she told that to (the dad was a hardcore marine and this was their first baby) painted the room pink with a border of bows and got all pink clothing and blankets, and after a loooooooooooooooong labor, out popped a 9 and a half pound boy.
Or, my dear friend Star, who had three ultrasounds, at each one she was told the baby was a boy, and oops, out comes Maryam.
We're kinda sick of just saying "the baby" all the time, so this morning we were trying to think of gender neutral names we could say til the baby is born. I hate how alot of people refer to an unborn baby as "it". Nathan really liked the name "Pat" as in the Saturday night Pat (he was joking, of course), but oh gosh, GROSS!!!! I don't want to think of my baby in connection with that. T.B (the baby) sounds too much like a sickness, and anything else i can think of is too girly.
We got some really cute pictures. One of them is a face shot and the baby smushed up her/his lips in a kissy face pose.
God is so good to our little family. Actually, not so little anymore!
We're past the point of replacing ourselves.

Remember when long hair used to freak our parents out?





my friend sent this to me and i just had to post it