A Thankful Heart

I have this fear. A fear of waste. Wasting life. Wasting the gifts God has given me. I'm so afraid of taking anything I have for granted. I have so many wonderful gifts from the Lord in my life. I guess it goes along with one of my greatest struggles. I struggle sometimes against being bitter and ungrateful. And thats' where my fear lies. I fear not honoring God with all my heart and mind by being ungrateful or just plain thoughtless. I fear not fully appreciating my children, every precious second I've been given with them. I fear not fully loving people or a situation God has put me in by being bitter and not thankful for everything He has given me. I've really had to cultivate a watchful and open heart. I pray that my mind is alert to the things of God, and I pray that He would cultivate a right spirit and mind in me every day for the rest of my life.
There's this great song that when ever I hear it, I pray that He will change me so I can sing it in all honesty.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed be your name in the Land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be your Name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in
still I will say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious Name

Blessed be your Name when the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your Name
Blessed be your Name on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your Name


It's how I act when things are hard that really reveal my heart. I've been passing trials easier and easier the more I walk with Him, but I long for the day when my heart will be perfect within me.

BUBBLEWRAP

I want to sew pillows to my kids clothes, wrap them in bubble wrap head to toe and make them wear helmuts. Oh god what a day. We were at our neighbors and Bella, my little princess, slipped with her hands full and fell face-first into a glass table. The glass didn't break, but i thought her nose did. When I got her home she was so inconsolable and almost mindless with pain and there was so much blood everywhere that I thought she was dying. All those stupid kung-fu movies I've seen where the guy dies with a blow to the nose that shoves the bone into the brain. A life without Isabella played out before my mind and it was horrifying. Full of heartbreak and craziness and unendurable pain. We rushed her to the hospital, Nathan met us halfway, and she slowly got better. I was so hysterical, I think that really scared her, and being around Nathan brought back calm and strength.
She's such a brave little girl. I try so hard to protect my kids, to remove any dangers from around them. But anything can be dangerous. What am I supposed to do? Stop them from running? Playing with other kids? Going to see the cows? I don't know how anyone can be a parent without God and not go absolutely crazy insane with fear and worry. But she's fine. Nothing, so far, thank God, has ever happened that had given long-lasting or permanent damage. She is so precious to me, my little strawberry muffin. We had to up the consolation prize this time- she got a whole lot of popsicles.

Palak Paneer

In my opinion, this is the best Indian dish ever.

Paneer
I gallon milk
juice from 2 lemons (I use bottled lemon juice)
cheesecloth

Boil the milk until it starts rising. Immediately add the lemon juice and stir. It should separate into curds and a thin yellowish liquid. If not, add more lemon juice a little at a time and stir. Drape the cheesecloth over a colander, and set the colander over a bowl or pot. Pour in the curds and whey. Set aside the whey, you'll need it later. Squeeze as much of the whey out as you can- wait til the curds cool down some. Leave the curds in the cloth and press it between two plates or two cutting boards.

Palak Paneer

Basic masala
1/4 cup water
1/2 Tbs turmeric
1 Tbs coriander
1/2 Tbs cumin
Mix all these together and set aside

1/2 cup ghee or butter
paneer
2 Tbs butter or ghee
garlic cloves (i use about 10) cut in chunks
1 pd spinach
1 tsp salt
2 lg pototoes
2 cups whey
2-3 Tbs peeled, grated ginger
1 tsp garam masala

Heat butter. Fry paneer. Remove. Add 2 Tbs butter. Saute garlic. Stir in masala. When it surfaces mix in spinich and salt. You might need to add a little whey so it won't stick. Add potato and cook for ten minutes. Mix in paneer and stir well. Gradually add whey and garam masala. Cook til potato is soft. Remove from heat and add the grated ginger. Let sit for 5 minutes so the ginger will flavor it. You might need a Tbs or two more, depending on your taste

If you're lucky and there's a good local Indian resturant, go pick up some Naan to eat this with. If not, make some pita bread. Naan is very hard to make without a tandoori oven. Any flatbread is good.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."
Psalm 127:3

I used to think, before I had Bella, that I wanted a large family. I thought that all the way up until Hannah. Her birth was hard. Recovery was hard. And I lost my focus. It all came to a head recently. I was having a harder and harder time being a mother. I wanted to be free to just be an evangelist, to drink coffee like mad and stay up all night. I still enjoyed my children, but they weren't number 1 all the time. I was. I was looking longingly to the day when they could take care of themselves and help ME in ministry.
I don't know how much of this was from how sick I've been feeling the last few months, but I'm sure not all of it. The last night I felt the way I described here, I was trying to make dinner. Bella was insistently demanding milk. I was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was lay down and read. Nathan rebuked me for being mean, and I sat down in defeat at the dinner table. I saw Bella's nail polish on the shelf. My heart melted and I pulled Bella on my lap and started painting her nails. Hannah came clamoring up, and held out her hands. I've made some changes since that night. One that makes all the difference. They are first. Without exception. My ministry schedule now revolves around them. I don't leave here til after they have taken a nap. I was cooking a huge meal every week for coffee house, (a youth outreach) and now I cook a huge meal once a month. All the time I spend in bed, there right there with me, cuddling or being read too. I have made them the center again, and they are blossoming and thriving. And so am I. I am so HAPPY. I feel so much joy inside, I could burst. I am so eager to love and adore and teach my children as much as possible, I am so eager to meet this baby, and I am so eager to have as many children as God will give me! What a blessing to have my focus back. I also resolved to be as good a wife as i could possibly be to Nathan. I truly desire to be a blessing and not a curse. And a strange run-off from all this is that I don't feel as sick and tired, the house has been spotless every day, and wow, it's 9:38 and I'm still awake. That's a miracle. That old saying is dead on-"If momma ain't happy, No'one's happy. Darn straight.

This was my prayer when I got married, and is still my prayer today, that when I am old, my husband and children will say this of me.
"Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the way of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her."
Proverbs:31:25-28

Mini Me

Yup, that's my Isabella. I remember being baby crazy (still am, actually). She will turn ANYTHING into a baby- a stuffed tiger, a rubber duck, a towel, doesn't matter. It's so sweet, because by her very nature she's a momma. When ever any of us are sick, she's so tender and compassionate. And she takes such good care of Hannah. I wonder how much of who she is, is because of me, or despite me. Becuase God makes all of us unique. Personality doesn't get handed down genetically, does it? Maybe, I don't know. when I was pregnant with her, God clearly gave us her name- and we found out later, to our shock and delight that it means consecrated to God. My little girls are so special to Him, and I'm amazed every day at how carefully He has formed them. I am so blessed by my children. They are the light and joy of my life. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning" James 1:17

BEST FRIENDS

The Emergency Room

Is there ever any more scary, tedious ordeal a parent has to go through then taking their child to the emergency room? I took the children over to see the cows today. Just after I commented to Christie (my friend was with us) on how safe the pasture was and how comfortable I felt letting the kids run around, Bella ran up and told me she had an owie. The cows are encased behind a fence of barbwire. I've told the children not to touch, but Bella has been learning by experience lately. I had to take her in to get a tetanus shot. Scary. There's a small possibility that she would actually get it, but you don't want to play around. Nathan and I don't immunize our children, but if there's a definate threat it seems wiser to prevent it. Bella loves the doctor. The blood pressure cuff, the thermometer, the pulse reader, everything. She has such a confidence that doctors can fix anything. A confidence I don't share, unfortanately. Which is why the emergency room is so scary. After seeing them monkey around with my kids and do more harm than good the majority of the time (sometimes NO good at all) I'm pretty wary of them. And to top it all, they didn't even have a pediatric dose of tetanus, so she ended up getting diptheria, tetanus and pertussis. I wonder though, if she needed it. God works all things for the good. We constantly pray for the safety of our kids, maybe He was answering that prayer today. And all she knows is, she got a sucker. Bonus.

 
 

I wonder sometimes what my whole life will look like when it's over. I wonder whats ahead of me. I'm so used to living in peace and prosperity (aka: being an american)
that i wonder how long it will last. I have a deep love for history (genetically passed on from my dad) and its a fact that suffering plays the biggest role. When will America's turn come? Will it, in my lifetime? It seems almost definate. I know Jesus was talking about the fall of Jerusalem when He said "Woe to those with child or who give suck in those days" but I wonder sometimes it that will ever apply to me. I worry about my children-what pain will they face? Because they will face pain-of one kind or another. By the way, I'm reading Rise and Fall of the Third Reich right now, so i'm pretty gloomy. I mean, my gosh, the anti-christ will be worse than THAT!!!! But whenever I start getting scared of the future, of death, of my children being hurt, this great hope and trust rises up in me and I actually get HAPPY. Because my times are in His hands, and He does all things well.
I equate death will childbirth. death will probably hurt, however it comes, but the result: Glorious.
And any suffering I undergo He can use for His glory. Everyone suffers, but our suffering is given a purpose and meaning.
And we have the Good Sheperd to carry us through.

PEACE

So, we moved 6 hours from the redwoods-to the redwoods! We had a brief sojourn in the city, and now we're back in the woods. I love it here. I love watching my kids love it here. I took them across the "street" today to some land our landlord caretakes. The only inhabitants are 4 big, patient black cows. The girls get to bring them apples and feed them. Once the apples run out, Bella collects flowers and grass to feed them. On the walk down there's a green pond ringed by huge trees and fed by natural springs. When you get down to where the cows are, there's a huge field next to their pen, dotted with apple trees. The peace today took my breath away. The light filters through the woods and the meadow is sunny and warm with a gentle breeze. I remember when i was a little girl, i loved going into the country. I'm so thankful that i can watch my two girls live there! It's so good to just take some time with them everyday and just focus completely on enjoying them and watching them have fun.

THE BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER


This cake takes 24 hours to prepare, as its best when allowed to sit overnight. So plan on making it the night before.

4 oz unsweetened chocolate (you can substitue baking cocoa, mix 3T cocoa to one T melted butter or oil for every ounce needed)
2 cups sugar
1 1/2 cups flour
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup hot strong brewed coffee
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup oil
2 lg eggs room temp, lightly beaten with fork

1. Preheat oven to 345 degrees.

2. Lightly grease two 8-inch layer pans with oil or butter and flour them.

3. Melt chocolate in top of double boiler, or mix cocoa and oil.

4. Sift sugar, flour, baking soda and salt together in large mixing bowl.

5. In a seperate bowl, (this is fun) blend hot coffee, sour cream, and oil with a whisk.

6. With the mixer on low speed, add the mixture to the dry ingredients and mix until blended, about 35 seconds. Stop mixer to scrape the bowl several times with the spatula.

7. Add the eggs one at a time and mix on medium speed after each addition until smooth, about 15 seconds. Scrape the bowl each time.

8. Add the chocolate and mix until the batter is uniform in color, about ten seconds more

9. Divide batter evenly between the prepared pans and place them on the center rack in the oven.

10. Bake until the cake springs back to the touch and a tester inserted in the middle comes out dry (do not wait for a crust to form) 35 to 38 minutes.

11. Let sit until cool, cover with aluminum foil or whatever is handy and refrigerate overnight.

This cake is really good with orange or mint buttercream. I've also spread it with heated raspberry jam.

Found in Rosie's Bakery All-Butter, Fresh Cream, Sugar-Packed, No-Hold's Barred baking book

SUMMER

 
 
 
 
You know when something is so obvious you don't even see it and then one day it smacks you in the face? Well, I got smacked last week. I hate summer! when we first moved to the Land, (in the summer) I thought I hated the Land. But by fall, I was completely totally in love with it. The same thing happened the next summer. I hated the Land again. And boy was I confused this LAST summer, because I thought I hated Santa Cruz, which is definately one of my favorite cities. The mind is a funny thing. How can something that belongs to us, is a central part of us, hide so much from us? I find that I am constantly discovering little things about myself that make me feel like I was blind and have been given sight. I love fall. I love spring. There's a freshness and wildness present that are missing in the summer, and sometimes the winter. But i love winter, too. I love visiting Cape Cod in the fall. The riot of color, the brisk strong wind that imparts life and strength. I think I hate summer partly because there's no way you can put a hoodie on and be comfortable. And the spring! Where i grew up, everything turns black in the winter. Everything is dead. The snow is beautiful, but that turns black, too, from all the cars and pollution. You can freeze to death in michigan, in the winter. Then spring comes, with its first warm gentle breezes. It's like a warm caress. And the thunderstorms, glorious. Everything gets all gloomy and cloudy buts its warm, warm, warm. I actually think I've loved every place I've ever lived.
I just hate summer.