"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."
Psalm 127:3

I used to think, before I had Bella, that I wanted a large family. I thought that all the way up until Hannah. Her birth was hard. Recovery was hard. And I lost my focus. It all came to a head recently. I was having a harder and harder time being a mother. I wanted to be free to just be an evangelist, to drink coffee like mad and stay up all night. I still enjoyed my children, but they weren't number 1 all the time. I was. I was looking longingly to the day when they could take care of themselves and help ME in ministry.
I don't know how much of this was from how sick I've been feeling the last few months, but I'm sure not all of it. The last night I felt the way I described here, I was trying to make dinner. Bella was insistently demanding milk. I was so frustrated. All I wanted to do was lay down and read. Nathan rebuked me for being mean, and I sat down in defeat at the dinner table. I saw Bella's nail polish on the shelf. My heart melted and I pulled Bella on my lap and started painting her nails. Hannah came clamoring up, and held out her hands. I've made some changes since that night. One that makes all the difference. They are first. Without exception. My ministry schedule now revolves around them. I don't leave here til after they have taken a nap. I was cooking a huge meal every week for coffee house, (a youth outreach) and now I cook a huge meal once a month. All the time I spend in bed, there right there with me, cuddling or being read too. I have made them the center again, and they are blossoming and thriving. And so am I. I am so HAPPY. I feel so much joy inside, I could burst. I am so eager to love and adore and teach my children as much as possible, I am so eager to meet this baby, and I am so eager to have as many children as God will give me! What a blessing to have my focus back. I also resolved to be as good a wife as i could possibly be to Nathan. I truly desire to be a blessing and not a curse. And a strange run-off from all this is that I don't feel as sick and tired, the house has been spotless every day, and wow, it's 9:38 and I'm still awake. That's a miracle. That old saying is dead on-"If momma ain't happy, No'one's happy. Darn straight.

This was my prayer when I got married, and is still my prayer today, that when I am old, my husband and children will say this of me.
"Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the way of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her."
Proverbs:31:25-28