More of Nathan's art

Rainbows and Sparkles


So I was half serious about the joke I made about getting the car back and having another $400 problem go wrong on it. I thought that would be pretty bad.
Well, I just talked to the mechanic, and for the parts alone it would be $1200. The only reaction in my heart was laughter. When things are this bad, God always has done something to make it into rainbows and sparkles. Hey, pray for us, too, I found an apartment on Grant St, 5 houses from where we used to live, that is available April 1st. And we're getting money back from taxes, so we can actually move now. We wouldn't need a car as bad, if we lived down there.

Nathan's art

Well, i said goodbye to the pity party and decided to go back to just coping. I realized something today, though. I have been terribly, horribly, wonderfully spoiled my whole Christian walk, til we moved down here. Actually, since even before I was a Christian, by the Christians I knew. Before now, I was involved in 2 real, loving, close knit comunities. Prodigal Project and Hope church in michigan. In addition to those two communities, I was also semi-adopted into the most wonderful family on the planet- the Bells. I have been surrounded by exceptional people that have taken the bible literally, and reached out to whoever is in need, sacrificilly. Nathan and I have had so much love showered on us, when we were students at the Land being discipled, to being newlyweds at Hope church, and then when we were staff again at the Land. After I had Bella the church did a rotation and made us meals for a month, cleaned my house, and brought us groceries. That was something they did for every new mom, every new baby. That's the kind of thing I'm used too. That's what I viewed as normal. But it's not. I was really angry yesterday. I've repented and realized that it matters what kind of Christian I am. I want to walk in the footsteps of all the people in my life that have poured themselves out for me and for everyone around them.

Bitterness

yup. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo bitter. I'm fighting it, but it's pretty strong right now. What does it take to get a little bit of help here? I mean, c'mon, I'm pregnant, I have gestational diabetes, I need to get my insulin and FOOD. NO ONE I've called for a ride seems like they even care that they're saying no. I'm not asking for a ride to go have fun or anything. I'm deeply hurt that I can't seem to get help from anyone, and my heart is trying to protect itself from the pain by producing bitterness. And what makes it worse is it's so humiliating. I HATE asking for help-especially when I know i'll probably get turned down. Please pray for me, I really need more insulin, I need to get to costco, and I have a doctors appointment Friday. Our van came home last night and had to go back in today. We get an estimate tommorow.
Oh man. I'm really sad.

OH YEAH, I'M CUTE




AFTER A NIGHT OF THROWING UP

PRECIOUS

Life is hard right now, but it's such a managable hard I've actually been really grateful. I've been learning what I really need to function-and it's not very much. I've been discovering strength in myself i thought was gone. There was no sarcasm in my last few posts-I'm truly, honestly grateful for all the things that have made the hard things easy.
Oh, by the way, our van is fixed!!!!!! And the mechanic shaved off a hundred dollars from the price he quoted me.

God's Timing


This is a gift from the Lord that constantly amazes me. Bella and Hannah and I all had the stomach flu this past week. Bella got it first, then me, then Hannah. But with no overlapping. God knows I couldn't have handled them both being sick at once. And I definately couldn't have taken care of them-the shape I was in. And it just happened to be Nate's day off, the day I got sick. So he took care of me all day, and watched the kids. Then, as soon as I laid down last night to go to sleep, feeling SO much better, Hannah started throwing up. It's interesting, cuddling a sick toddler all night in their fire truck toddler-sized bed. I always sleep with the kids when their sick, and as Hannah's bed has a plastic sheet and ours doesn't, hers was the obvious choice. It's so amazing how much comfort I bring her, just by holding her in my arms. Everything I do now is laying a foundation for what kind of relationship we'll have when their older. Hannah won't remember me sleeping in her bed with her, comforting her all night as she threw up, and losing almost a whole nights sleep myself. But it builds into her associating me with comfort and support. I love my girls.

I am truly, honestly, grateful for a few things right now.

1-I have a bathtub to do laundry in.

2-It has a shower attachment

3-I have a seemingly endless supply of hot water

4-I don't have to heat water to do laundry

5-That I even have running water

6-That I have antibacterial soap to wash the laundry with

Praise God

I'm getting rather proud of my coping skills. Bella gets sick on all her bedding? No problem, I'll wash it in the bathtub!! With dish soap! (I don't have a washer, a car to get to the laundromat, or a friend I can call for help.) Running low on the food I'm supposed to snack on? I'll live on peanut butter!
I hope another $400 dollar problem doesn't go wrong on the van when we get it back.
But if it does, I have my little house on the prairie books for inspiration.

Desolate

A visual image of a life without Jesus

This week has been so crazy- I don't even know where to start. Our van finally quit last Saturday. It's been in the shop since Monday. God's timing is so perfect. Two of our dear friends came on Saturday to visit for a few days, and they were able to get Nathan up and down the hill to the bus stop for work. And run us to do the errands we needed to do. They were also generous enough to offer to get our car towed with their triple A card. Thanks, Elena and Curtis!!!
It'll be another $379 to get it fixed. So we've spent almost $800 dollars to get it worked on in the past month. Where on earth does all this extra money come from? I do our budget, and we don't make this much. It sucks that our car is broken, but we actually have the money to fix it, which is a miracle. Another little cool side note to God's timing- it rained every morning Curtis and Elena were here- when Nathan had a ride down to the bus. The weather was perfect today. He had to walk all the way down, but praise God, not in the rain! We live on a mountain, and it's almost 3 miles down to the highway. He's been able to hitch back up when needed, too. My wonderful husband. He works so hard for us.
My blood sugar is finally stablized. I think the Sweet Success nurses (the gestational diabetes program) were the problem. I would go in with good numbers, and they kept adding in the bad numbers and stressing me out. My doctor said I didn't have to see them anymore. Stress elevates blood sugar, but how do you keep from being stressed when something is stressful? Usually that adds more stress.
And I had a non-stress test yesterday, and the results were perfect. The baby is really healthy.
The sun is out today and I feel terrific. The air is like a kiss from Jesus.

I think this little baby is more contrary then me! The other day she moved once in 8 hours. I was getting rather concerned, so I went in for a non-stress test. The exact second they strapped the monitor on, she started moving like crazy, and had an absolutely perfect non-stress test. And she moved like normal the rest of the day.
Crazy baby. I really want to meet her. I'm getting all those mushy warm melty newborn baby feelings, like the kind you get when you first hold a new baby in your arms. I'm 34 weeks and counting down every hour. Kind of an exhausting way to live, especially if you're 6 weeks from your due date. I can't believe it's already the middle of march. I will definately have her in my arms next month!
Nathan and I actually went on a date last night. It was only an hour and a half long, but any time alone is a miracle. It was so weird driving to get him without my little ones in the back. And being able to get out of the car without my two little sidekicks. It was kinda of a bummer though, (and a blessing too), we got waylaid by a homeless guy that really wanted to talk, so half our date was witnessing to him.
But oh what a relief to just feel like a normal adult with no responsibilities for an hour. Usually the only time we go out is to do ministry, go to the doctor or run errands, and that can wear you down.
I wouldn't want to be away from my children for more than an hour, but every 6 months or so it's really neccesary. It totally felt like an adventure. It's actually been 9 months since we had a date last. The penalty of living far, far away from any grandparents, I guess.

Lil Bruiser is back!!! She started moving real strong again.
I realized something. The internet is a great, great, wonderful source of information, but it's not something I should be relying on to research gestational diabetes. They DO warn you to monitor your baby, and that if the baby is moving less, it's bad. But, the moving less is a side effect of pre-eclampsia, which I definately don't have. Which wasn't mentioned on one of the sites I looked at. Sigh. I feel good. I just entered back into the day-dreaming stage, wondering what this baby will look like, be like. I've been looking at pictures of Bella and Hannah as newborns. Babies are so different. Such a precious stage-and it goes so quick. I'm in week 33,and now that I'm getting closer to the end, I'm remembering what this is all for, (duh) a new little sweet baby.

It seems that we're over the rough patch of road we were experiencing. Nathan got a raise last week (10 dollars an hour, yay!) and we were able to get our van fixed. We think Jesus was holding it together-we should ahve got the serpantine belt changed 8 months ago. And our brake pads weren't too far gone-we didn't need new routers. As far as my gestational diabetes goes, I really don't know what's going on. They had me on 10 units at night, and it seemed like it was working pretty good, except for my fasting blood sugar first thing in the morning. Now, they doubled my dose, and my fastings are low, but my other numbers have been elevated. I don't know if it's from stress. I'm trying to calm down. The baby has been moving less and less, since I started the diet, and even less since I started the insulin. And less since I increased the dose. I'm 32 and a half weeks, and I just want all this to hurry up, and have a healthy baby in my arms!!!!! I always took healthy pregnancy and healthy outcomes and babies for granted. Not anymore. Now I have to fight from being scared stiff. If she would just MOVE more. It's more unsettling because she was such an active baby. I miss those weeks when it felt like she was bruising my insides.
I have a non-stress test tommorow, to see how the baby is doing. I was annoyed when I found out I had to do them once a week, but now I'm GLAD.
Oh, and thanks to whoever prayed for me, about the shots. I don't mind them at all now.

Insulin

I've had a wake up call about my health lately. my health is always something i've been careless with. I guess I think I'm still a teenager, when I just trashed my body (I lived on ciggerates and coffee, mostly, with bagels) and nothing ever had any long-term effect. I'm dealing with an illness now that if I don't keep the changes I've had to make, and actually make more drastic changes once I have this baby, I will almost certainly have diabetes within 5 years. Ouch. What a slap in the face. I'm not invincible. I was so confidant that jsut changing my diet would resolve my high blood sugars. Which brings me to the next thing that's freaking me out-the insulin. I have to give myself shots-in the belly. Where my baby lives. I think Christie and Elena summed up how I feel about that- (they said the same thing) it's just creepy.
Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. The shots don't hurt at all, except in my mind. I dread it all day. But, thank God, it's just once a day. Insulin dependant diabetics have to do four shots a day.
All of this has brought home in a new way my absolute frailty and dependance on God.
Please pray for me, that it'll get easier to do the shots.